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中進英翻譯系列講座(三)
撰文者: Wayne 發表日期: January 19, 2015 – 11:27 am

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各位網友好,從今天起,「天地無用」網站要分享一系列英文翻譯與寫作的專題文章。有心學習「高階」翻譯與英文寫作的網友必定可以從中學到版主寶貴的實務經驗與技巧,請大家廣為宣傳。

參考文章:中進英翻譯系列講座(一)

參考文章:中進英翻譯系列講座(二)

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【範例三】
下面的文字出自於《雅砌》雜誌第63期的第27頁。我們來仔細分析該如何將這篇中文翻譯成英文。

spring_lines

春之線條
若每年都畫一張畫,那春天就是為一切打下輪廓的季節了吧!Roll & Hill的現代風燈飾來自紐約,線條俐落,和都會區的大樓結構相互輝映,在城市的室內使用能深具整體性。Véra Pilo系列摺扇為保留古時候迷人含蓄的「扇語」而設計,配合不同的圖樣和豐富色彩,能替使用者傳遞更多訊息,當成晝作掛於牆面也十分引人注日。Rochebobis咖啡桌,顏色淡雅獨特,如同立於地的大型鑽石,適合擺放飲品與各式小物。

「分析」階段:
原文可切分成:
1. 若每年都畫一張畫,春天是打下輪廓的季節。
2. (第一項商品) 紐約的Roll & Hill現代風燈飾及其描述。
3. (第二項商品)Véra Pilo系列摺扇及其描述。
4. (第三項商品)Rochebobis咖啡桌及其描述。

「轉換」階段:每一個意群替春天定調,同時作為介紹商品的導引文字,但是感覺有難以捉摸,如何詮釋全仰賴譯者的主觀想法。後面的三個意群比較客觀,構成的圖像清晰明確。譯者可以採用條列方式來處理譯文。

「重建」階段:將腦中圖像轉化為中文,這個階段牽涉翻譯觀與英文寫作能力。

雜誌譯文:
Lines of Spring
If one painting is painted every year, than spring is the season setting the silhouette for everything! Roo & Hill modern lighting from New York features well-executed lines that correspond with the building structure of the metropolitan, offering comprehensiveness for urban indoor use. Véra Pilo collection hand fan preserves the ancient charming sentiment, where the different patterns and colors may convey more messages for the users, and may be an eye-catching decoration on walls as well. Rochebobis coffee table features elegant color, resembling a standing gigantic diamond, which is suitable for placement of beverages and small objects.

translation
我翻譯時的切入點略有不同。就第一句來說,我認為畫畫的不是「人」,應該是「年」(或者「大自然」),作者強調春季就是替「整年的繪畫」打基礎,然後順勢介紹三項洋溢青春氣息的商品。大自然不會畫畫,因此要採用非事實的假設語氣來翻譯第一句。至於後續的意群,我會以轉折詞當作潤滑劑,依序介紹燈飾、摺扇與咖啡桌。

根據前述理由,我重新詮釋原文:

Lines of Spring
If the year were a painter, then spring would be the season for sketching outlines of everything! The contemporary lighting from New York City-based Roo & Hill has simple but sharp lines, echoing the building structures of a metropolitan area, therefore setting off an urban indoor homey feeling. Next, the Véra Pilo hand fan series – designed to preserve the ancient “fan language” holding an implicit and charming appeal – features a variety of patterns and rich colors that empower the user to convey extra messages. They can also serve as eye-catching wall decorations. Finally, the Rochebobis coffee table, with light, delicate and peculiar colors, resembles a huge diamond, and is ideal for placing drinks and tiny objects.

(註解)
1. Roo & Hill 是位於紐約的燈飾公司,不要把New York 和Roo & Hill分開。因此,我不會盲目跟著字面,將「Roll & Hill的現代風燈飾來自紐約」翻譯成Roo & Hill modern lighting from New York,而是翻譯成the contemporary lighting from New York City-based Roo & Hill,或者以同位格來翻譯:the contemporary lighting from Roo & Hill, a (high-end) lighting manufacturer based in New York。

2. 我認為將「在城市的室內使用能深具整體性」翻譯成offering comprehensiveness for urban indoor use不妥,意思也不清楚。此時該大膽詮釋原文,不要跟著字面翻譯,加點創意的火花。我將它改譯成setting off an urban indoor homey feeling。

3. 原文牆調「扇語」,但雜誌譯文卻漏翻,不知出發點為何。我將「為保留古時候迷人含蓄的『扇語』而設計」視為單一意群,然後以夾注號來翻譯designed to preserve the ancient “fan language” holding an implicit and charming appeal。此外,第一個版本又照著字面,將「能替使用者傳遞更多訊息」譯成convey more messages for the users。我認為應該是人來傳遞訊息比較合理且妥當,所以改譯成empower the user to convey extra messages。

4. 第一個版本的句末是Rochebobis coffee table features elegant color, resembling a standing gigantic diamond, which is suitable for placement of beverages and small objects。這句話讀起來會讓人誤解,以為diamond適合placement of beverages and small objects。順道一提,Rochebobis coffee table的前面要加定冠詞the,表示這是一種特殊的桌子。

為了避免誤解,我改譯為The Rochebobis coffee table, with light, delicate and peculiar colors, resembles a huge diamond, and is ideal for placing drinks and tiny objects。

如果讀者嫌句子太長,也可以切成兩句:
The Rochebobis coffee table with light, delicate and peculiar colors resembles a huge diamond. It is ideal for placing drinks and tiny objects.

The Rochebobis coffee table features light, delicate and peculiar colors, and also resembles a huge diamond. It is ideal for placing drinks and tiny objects.

5. 我使用Next 和Finally兩個轉折詞將描述三項商品的文字區隔開來。關於轉折詞,請參閱「英文寫作常用的「轉折詞」(Transitional Expressions)的詳細解說與舉例。

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